Ending the Conversation

The new phenomenon of the internet conversation has truly taken hold, and instead of reducing the interactions that people have with each other, I feel that it has increased the number of interactions a person might have during any given day. That's good news AND bad news.

Good news because the places of contact, the meeting places, like an email list, Facebook, or even just email have greatly increased the scope of contact, the number of people (friends and customer and patients) that you can interact with. Whether you are plumber or politician or dentist, the number of people you have who call you their friend directly affects your business life and your personal life. It can be greatly enriching. Or disappointing.

The bad news is that rules and assumptions and implied agreements are often unrecognized. It is very easy for big fights to break out on some of our dental email lists, based on some words or phrases that mean one thing to the writer, but something entirely different to the reader.  Anyone who participates regularly in an email list needs to learn the stuff they were trying to teach in English class so long ago. Sentence structure, grammar, spelling- these things are truly important for clear communication, no matter how we might wish it was different.

When you add chat to the mix, the issues still are there, and you add in the idea of a quick retorts and the normal non-listening mode we mostly employ, where we use a pause in our talking to think of the next things we might want to say, instead of listening to the other person. It can be a lot of fun, but also it can be frustrating and unproductive, if you don't understand the rules of engagement and follow them.

Here are Coker's rules of internet communication, from what I have observed over the last fifteen years or so:

1. Don't assume that any other person knows you are smiling or laughing when you throw off some bon mot that seems so clever. Often it can be confusing, hurtful or simply opaque. Write more clearly and simply, until you are on solid communication grounds.

2. Don't even talk politics or religion. Seriously, don't. Just can't get the nuances and implied meanings right.

3. Don't drink and post. You will live to regret it.

4. Resist the urge to get angry with what someone says. Make sure you understand before you get all wrapped up in righteous indignation. If you don't correct somebody even today, what is the difference? There is usually more to the story.

5. Think about being helpful. When you hear about a situation or a concern, think just a moment about what that person is saying and ask yourself if you might be able to help them, with a word of encouragement, an insight or just a friendly ear (even if it is electronic). Even an offer of help is just so welcome, we often just forget how many people feel lonely and uncared for. (yes, I know I ended that sentence with a preposition, you english teachers out there!)

The point I really want to make here is that, in a way, life is an extended conversation with others, and the main point is to figure a way to continue that conversation, that interaction. We all know people who, as they age, start shutting down their contacts and conversations, because of the deaths of friends and loved ones, life's challenges or whatever. But my thesis is that it is up to us to continue that effort, that conversation until our time is up. The end of conversation is a little death.

So, we can continue our play with each other, or retract back into our safe zones, and  limit our growth, change and interactions. Doesn't seem to be a hard choice, but I see people everyday who are contracting and isolating themselves, either purposefully or accidentally. But growth is always a choice, and no matter what profession or role a person has in life, they will be happier, more productive and more attractive when they are actively growing and interacting with others. No question in my mind.

So, if you get into a social network, or an email list, you have to remember that words can hurt or heal, can enrage or encourage, and can attract or detract from your life's quality. Why would anyone choose to not be part of the conversation? 

Rick